Child abuse means any form of physical, mental, emotional or sexual cruelty, harrassment or deprivation — anything that makes them miserable, hopeless or afraid. It does not have to be deliberate or obvious to count.
Only a minority of children die as a result of abuses like these, and very few are even acknowledged. Most limp on into a world which seems neither caring nor worth caring for. Bodily wounds may heal but there is little relief for secret mental pain and scars that will last a lifetime.
Prevention:
1. If you habitually talk and listen to your child and care about his life, he will grow up knowing that he can talk to you freely about anything, that you will take him seriously and believe him. Be there when he gets in from school, to hear about his day.
2. Do not get self-conscious about a family cuddle in your bed on Sunday morning or getting into the bath with your children. These are the innocent and safe encounters your child will store up to contrast with more sinister approaches and warn him instinctively against them.
3. Small children can be taught never to talk to strangers. If they are also allowed to refuse a cuddle at home when they don’t want one, they are more likely to react against more serious unwanted attentions.
4. Bring your child up to tell you as a matter of course where he is going and who with.
5. Don’t let your child go out or stay home on his own. When he is old enough to and wishes it, encourage him to have friends of his own age with him.
6. Be sure that if any adult stays with your children, you know and trust them well. Watch out for any signs of unhappiness or unease when you announce who is to babysit.
7. Teach your child that if he is ever approached or in danger from anyone, then he can do all the things that you have taught him not to do — like scream, kick, scratch and run away.
What to do if you know or suspect:
If you seriously suspect anyone of abusing a child, you must do something. Outside your family you may be forced to involve a teacher, social worker, NSPCC inspector or the police. How you do this and your frame of mind will protect you from being seen as a busy-body or gossip. Say only what you know personally, not what you surmise or have heard said. Remember that error is human and that you may be mistaken.
Within your family you can act more decisively and privately at first. Let your instincts guide you and do not be afraid.
1. Remember that because the child has not told you he is probably sworn to secrecy. He may have been threatened or emotionally blackmailed, afraid of what may happen to the offender. Children are very loyal and protective.
2. The child may signal to you vaguely or indirectly — by gesture or in a game, a picture, a story said aloud to themselves or a question starting ‘what if..’Listen patiently and do not react in disbelief. Children seldom lie about this. If an older child struggles bravely to blurt it out, sit him down with a comforting drink and a dose of Bach Rescue Remedy (C08) to soothe the shock.
3. Do not make him feel guilty nor show any revulsion — against him least of all. Be positive, firm and loving.
4. Determine together that it will not happen again. Let him stay by you for security at first if he wants to. But you will have to do something positive about it as well.
5. Talk openly to the person concerned. This will be only get harder if you put it off. Be cool, go straight to the point and do not be put off: believe in your conviction. The abuse must stop but your love for the abuser need not.
6. If you can’t do this yourself after all, talk instead to a reliable relative or friend who can act as go-between.
7. Obvious things like proper nourishment can affect behaviour, and give you a practical way to show your care for a suspected abuser in your home. Make sure he eats well (Pamphlet F1) and supplement (Leaflet F03) his food with minerals (Leaflet F07) and Vitamin B Complex (Leaflet F05) at least.
8. If things don’t change, contact the social services who are trained to deal sensitively with this, or contact the NSPCC if you prefer. Ultimately you could talk to the police, the mere threat of which may stir an abuser to cooperate.
What will happen?
1. The abuse will stop and the child will be saved from further torture and given a chance to rebuild his broken health and self-esteem. If you are providing him with love and security he will not be taken from you. If you fear a violent reaction you and your children will be placed in safety.
2. The offender will eventually be enormously relieved and grateful that someone has brought their secret guilt to an end. Offenders are not necessarily sent to prison, nor is the home automatically broken up: the accent is on positive help and rehabilitation.
3. Your conscience will be clear of an awful responsibility and your heart rid of a profound unease and foreboding. You will be alive again.