Before birth, your baby’s needs were met continuously from your bloodstream without any effort from him; he was suspended unawares in the kind of bliss that mystics strive to regain. Birth changed everything by cutting off this endless, effortless supply. The future is measured out in cycles of hunger and satisfaction, light and dark, loneliness and companionship, contentment and agony.
This infant person feels all these rhythms not in subtle tones but as urgent and passionate cycles of desire that frighten and hurt him because he cannot yet appreciate their energy. Crying is all he can do. If it rends your heart and drives you mad, you are only sharing what it does to him.
Babies vary a good deal, right from the beginning. Many emerge from the process of birth shocked and obviously frightened, usually very tired. At the other extreme are children who emerge completely at ease and seem to take their first hours in their stride — their parents even worry that they may be ill because they make so few demands. In those first days however you quickly become accustomed to your baby’s temperament, and by then you can distinguish his particular cry in a roomful of other small babies.
During the next six weeks or so a routine gradually gets into its stride, but at first it is very erratic and unreliable. Sometimes a feed goes really well, sometimes he needs topping up soon after. It may be a real struggle for him to get enough food at night without provoking colicy pains (Leaflet P29). Occasionally he gets chilled and cries but you learn to err on the over-warm side, which lulls his senses rather than distress them. At this stage he does not seem to mind being dirty or wet. He enjoys a bath if it is warm and deep enough. Above all he is comforted by your presence and touch, and distressed if you are unhappy; he knows you inside out!
By two months most people are through this phase, comfortably settled into a feeding routine and confident which cry means what. Hunger, pain, fear, unhappiness and loneliness all stamp their particular quality on the sound. By now your baby is deliberately communicating with you, settling you into a routine that suits him. If he cries regularly in the night and you can never find anything wrong, remember that he has no reason yet to rest then and probably gets bored or lonely as often as he gets hungry. This is the stage at which unpleasant or trying routines get established, along with the positive and essential rhythm of caring. Your baby is a creature of habit, and they can be changed.
By about six months you are out of baby-hood proper (Leaflet M03), know each other well and are able to spot very quickly a new sort of cry that does not fit the accustomed pattern. Teething gets blamed for a lot of it and is genuinely responsible for a good deal of discomfort; a passion for chewing usually gives this away long before the gums get soft and purple. Minor illnesses are no longer covered by mother’s endowment of antibody protection, especially if you have finished breast feeding (Leaflet M04), so crying at about this stage may herald his first cold (Leaflet P04).
What to do
1. If your baby is born scared and fretful do not follow the medical tendency of putting him out of earshot somewhere. Have him in your bed skin to skin, and cuddle and talk to him. He needs to know you’re still there and will take some time to realize that you are the same person he used to live inside. A crying infant needs intimacy, not discipline.
2. Almost all newborn babies gradually relax in a deep bath of warm water. Don’t be in a hurry to get him out, and keep warming it — most people err on the chill side.
3. Evening colic at this stage is much more of a problem for bottle-fed children and breast-feeding mothers who themselves eat a lot of cheese and milk. Change your food, or his, to avoid dairy produce.. Cow and Gate Formula S is suitable and Wysoy is better formulated now. Goatsmilk is even better despite what public health doctors say, and can be given fresh and undiluted unless it comes from Nubian goats which needs diluting: four to one of water. Do not boil it to death: it is a great shame to kill a live food and spoil its valuedestroy germs that may not even be there (Leaflet S12). Pasteurization does not call for boiling
4. By day keep your infant with you and carry him about as much as you can in a sling or back-pack. By night have him in your room for the first few months, even in your bed if you wish. You cannot spoil him in this way but are giving him every chance to gain the confidence he needs to become more independent later on.
5. You need a quick check-list to work through whenever you cannot understand why your baby is crying. Is he hungry, cold, sore or wet, in pain, tired, lonely, afraid or responding to an unhappy atmosphere? If none of these things ring true just carry him around or rock him, and relax. If you panic he will get worse and you’ll end up convinced he is seriously ill when all you need is some way to break the tension (Leaflet P90).
6. Homoeopathic remedies (Leaflet C03) for distress work well on children made fretful by teething. Homoeopathic drops of Chamomilla 3x are safe. Firm massage of the gums is often helpful though it may seem to hurt at first. In the end a dose of infant paracetamol is justified to break a vicious circle and give everyone a rest, but never resort to this too easily. Drugs are poisonous, and babies are vulnerable: try everything else first.
7. There is no mischief behind the cry of a young child but it is entirely self-centred. If you want him to take account of needs other than his own, you will have to impose these on him by direct action. You can get him to accept anything you want, from six months on or even younger if necessary, provided you behave consistently. He will even forgive you for making him sleep through the night, taking it completely in his stride in a short time. Decide what respite you need and require it of him. What you do in his best long-term interests will work out well.
8. Mother and father must agree on what to do for at least a few days at a time, only then trying something else if necessary. Consistent handling and a harmonious atmosphere are vital; inconsistency and disagreement will unsettle your baby and make everything progressively worse.
9. For details on how to deal with a sleepless child read Leaflets P84 and P75.